The Truth

I was looking back through blog posts, and thought that I would write one to correct any appearance of put-together-ness that previous posts might have alluded to. I like posts that have pictures, therefore I only post about things that have pictures. And in the middle of our regular chaos, I don't usually have time to pull out the camera. This was a hard blog post to write because I work pretty hard to convince people that I am capable of all the tasks I have, and then some. So here is a behind the scenes look at truth, with no pictures:

There are 12 weeks until the restaurant opens, and 15 weeks until this baby is due--Pretty much my life is constant chaos. I am always finding someone who will take the kids for an hour, or trying to maintain a professional look on my face while my kids terrorize whatever conference room we happpen to be in. Everything is on my blackberry because I can't seem to remember a thing, yet I can't sleep at night because I'm doing math problems in my head figuring out the restaurant's budget, probable labor costs or the possible gain/loss of profits if I change types of tables. I killed my last blackberry by throwing it at the wall when Jeff refused to make food samples for the wedding show. The new one is encased in the most hideous plastic and rubber contraption to prevent it from damage the next time it happens to run into a wall at any considerable velocity. I made my midwife's on-call nurse laugh on Friday by insisting that there was nothing wrong with having contraction every 4-6 minutes, that I would rest on Saturday and check in on Monday. I was right, but I think I convinced her that I am also crazy. Besides, I had to get to the pediatrician's--who cancelled Lucy's appointment because I was 11 minutes late and Lucy then spent the next hour crying because her doctor doesn't like her anymore--finish my taxes, move 72 chairs and 36 tables from Costco to another wharehouse, and have a complex business meeting. I didn't really have time for them to put some monitor on me and tell me that I was having contractions, which did stop on Saturday, no harm done. So manic? Yes. Crazy? Yes. Put-together? Hopefully in appearance, but in reality--not at all.

The other side to this truth is that it isn't likely to get any better. I will probably be even busier when the restaurant opens and the new baby gets here. The funny thing is, that in Church, I don't have a real calling because they thought it would be nice if my life calmed down. But it won't. So on Sundays, I have serious questions about my capabilities and how I measure up as a "mormon mommy" and church member because I am very busy and I work. Last week, a very mormon mommy said when I listed a few of my responsibilities in the restaurant, "You can't. You know you just can't do it all." So beyond being more crazy than I hopefully appear, the deeper truth is that I doubt myself and I wonder if after all this work, I'm failing at the important things.